The Work of Steven Wright II
The other day
I was channel surfing and ran across Steven Wright on
Comedy Central. I featured his stuff
once before, but he is so good that I had to do it
again.
If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright,
he's the famously erudite comic who once said: "I woke
up one morning and all
of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact
duplicates."
His mind sees things differently than most of us do, to
our amazement and amusement.
Here are some of his gems:
The Earth is bipolar.
Yesterday, I returned a movie…. The people at the
theatre were upset.
A friend of
mine has a trophy wife, but apparently it wasn’t first
place.
I think it is
wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
I’m addicted
to placeboes…. I would quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
I called up
an airline to make a reservation and they asked, “How
many will be traveling.” I said, “How do I know…. It’s
your plane.”
A friend of
mine is a pilot. We were going to go somewhere in his
car and for absolutely no reason he waited 45 minutes
before he backed out of his driveway.
I have a CD
burner….. my fireplace.
If heat rises
then heaven might be hotter than hell.
I bought an
IPod that holds 5,000 songs or one telephone message
from my mother.
Why are
pictures square if the camera lense is round?
Have you
noticed when a house burns down the only thing left is
the fireplace and chimney? How’s that for evidence.
Next week I’m
getting an MRI to find out if I’m claustrophobic.
I have an
answering machine in my car. It says "I'm home now. But
leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
Imagine how
phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your
ears.
I invented
the cordless extension cord.
Everybody
repeat after me....."We are all individuals."
Plan to be
spontaneous tomorrow.
Change is
inevitable....except from vending machines.
Never do card
tricks for the group you play poker with.
I tried
sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my
nose.
Energizer
Bunny arrested..... charged with battery.
Quantum
Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Support
bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
