Sundry "Funny" Quotes
Sometimes,
when I look at my children, I say to myself "Lillian,
you should have remained a virgin."
-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to read the description in the
catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a
year.
-- Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a
misprint.
-- Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll
become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a
philosopher.
-- Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a
jury.
-- Groucho Marx
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds
back.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four
essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
-- Alex Levine
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people
would stop dying.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a
more pleasant form of misery.
-- Spike Milligan
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then
it's time for my nap.
-- Bob Hope
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had
to work its way through Congress.
-- Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow
older, it will avoid you.
-- Winston Churchill
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's
too old to go anywhere.
-- Billy Crystal
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out
--Unknown
